When Parts of us Don’t Want to Change: Tools from IFS
Change is inevitable. The time changes, weather changes, our age changes. Change occurs around us and sometimes that change pushes us to shift behavior. We may need to change the way we put our socks on… Change the way we think about a person… Change what we think we’re allowed to want. And even while change is inevitable, it can be hard. Even when the change is for the best, it can be hard.
Even when our adult self says, “I’m so grateful and excited for this change,” a different part of us can say, “I’m so scared and I just want everything to stay the same.”
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy acknowledges this nuance and the multidimensionality of our psyches. We can experience confidence about something one moment and then crippling anxiety the next moment about the very same thing. When we feel taken-over like this, it’s often a sign that a part of ourselves feels scared or concerned and desperately wants that fear to be understood.
How we respond to ourselves when navigating change impacts our experience of that change. IFS gives us the tools to not only turn that experience into a learning opportunity but also a chance to heal. Below is a 5 step process you can try when you feel like a part of you is protesting a change you’d like to make in your life.
5 Steps to Navigating Self-Imposed Change with Tools from IFS
Consider a time, either in the past or in the present-day moment, when you moved toward making a change you mostly felt good about. Maybe you were moving, buying something new, or showing-up in a new way to an old relationship. And then all of a sudden, you’re having second thoughts.
Notice what sensations arise when you question the change. Maybe there is a fluttery-sensation in your chest or your hands become fists. Take your time noticing what temperatures, textures, and images arise as you bring your attention to this sensation. It doesn’t need to make sense.
If the sensation could talk or communicate, what would it say? Maybe there is one loud statement or gesture these sensations communicate to you as you notice it. Take your time.
Open your heart and offer this energy tenderness and see what happens. Is there resistance or concern to doing that? Does the tenderness make it to the energy or is it blocked by something or someone?
If yes, notice what blocks the tenderness and repeat steps 1-3 for this new energy.
If no, notice how the tenderness lands with this part that communicated with you. Maybe they appreciate being seen, maybe they don’t care, maybe they’re scared or something else. Just notice without judgment how they respond.
Offer this part compassionate witnessing. Let the part know you saw its gesture or heard its message and if it’s okay with the part, you’d like to learn more about it. If it’s open to speaking with you, you can try asking the following questions:
Can it say more about what it told you earlier?
How long has it been feeling this way or doing this job?
What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t do the thing?
Listen to its answers with curiosity and compassion. If you notice judgement or repulsion, notice that and ask that feeling to step back. If it can’t, repeat steps 1-3.
Now that you’ve gotten to know it, would this part be willing to stay connected? Would you be willing to stay connected with the part? If all parties are a yes, identify that way. Maybe you touch your heart and think of them. Maybe you journal or do something they like to do. Either way, practicing grace, compassion, and curiosity with this energy that we would otherwise perceive as resistance or a barrier can make change much more achievable.
If you have questions about this process or like more support, I’d love to hear from you!
